I’m so hungry! Agh! Why is weight loss so hard? A few weeks ago, Charlie and I decided we needed to buckle down and get in shape. I’m fat. It’s true. I admit that I’m fat. Throughout my life, my weight has fluctuated, and I’ve always been aware of my body issues. Even when I was in high school and at my fighting weight, I was always aware of my body and weight. I wasn’t fat by any means, but conscious to know I wasn’t the skinniest girl in the world. When I looked at my senior pictures, I think, “Wow, I was in shape. How do I get that back?”
The stupid Freshmen Fifteen was always on my mind in college. I so did not want to gain weight, but then again, I didn’t really watch what I ate either. I enjoyed cheese with my french fries, and I stopped running. Part of me wishes I ran on the college cross country team just for the sheer joy, but I was afraid the other runners would think I was dumb for being slow and didn’t care about placing. Looking back, I was just plain dumb for NOT doing that because I knew a girl who was the team for just that reason. She liked running and didn’t care that she was last or didn’t place. She just wanted to run.
The decision NOT to run was just plain dumb. I shouldn’t have cared what others thought of me. Not to mention, I would’ve had a friend on the team with the same mentality. I was such an idiot back then. I KNEW I didn’t have a high metabolism and needed to work out to stay in shape, but a little voice always said, “Don’t worry about eating cheese curds for lunch. You’ll be fine. You can start running tomorrow.” Does anyone else have that little voice, too? I was just dumb for even listening to that voice.
About 10 or so years ago, I just decided to lose weight. I didn’t want to be fat anymore. So, I tried ever diet known to man to lose weight. I ran. I exercised. I ate low-carb foods. I lost weight. It wasn’t easy because I went to bed every night hungry. And I hated it. The dumb, dumb restaurant ads on TV didn’t help either. Oh, Pizza Hut has an amazing deal! Oh look, Red Lobster looks delicious. Burger King. McDonalds. Subway. Nighttime was the worse. Too dark to go for a run. I wanted to watch my favorite TV shows but had to endure the agony of the food commercials.
But I lost weight. I bought new skinny jeans that made my butt look amazing. I felt amazing. I felt pretty. But then that little voice returned, “Oh, Jenn, you’ll be fine if eat that bacon cheeseburger for dinner. You can run tomorrow. No big deal.” Or, “Jenn, you bought three pairs of expensive jeans. I’m sure eating cheese curds and onion rings won’t hurt you this time.” Stupid voice. Stupid me for listening to the voice in the first place. Eventually, I gained the weight back and then some.
The last time I was in semi decent shape was when I was paid to run on the treadmill for three hours a week. That was around the time I was diagnosed with diabetes and needed to lower my blood sugar levels. I didn’t lose any weight but I felt a bit healthier. A bit. Charlie and I have always talked about getting into shape, but we never really did anything (like most normal people). This time around, we’re serious. Why? Because we each have something on the line. Yes, I should lost weight because I’m diabetic and being healthier will help me live longer and all of that other good stuff. But that’s not the real reason.
But the real reason why I want to lose weight is to get another tattoo! Great incentive, right? I think so. Lose 20 pounds and reward myself with a tattoo! Plus, if I reach my desire weight goal AND lower my blood sugar levels, Charlie said he would get a tattoo, too! Isn’t that awesome? He would get the final say on what and where he would get the tattoo, but I would have considerable input during the process. Anyway, we’ve started the lovely “lifestyle” change of eating healthier, and it sucks!
I’ve stopped buying potato chips and other crap food. Now, we’re munching on nuts, carrots, and lettuce. And I’m making smoothies from frozen fruit and yogurt. We’re eating more salads, fruits, and vegetables, and I’m still so very hungry. I just want to know when the hunger pains will stop. I hate going to bed hungry. I hate being hungry every three hours. I just want to stuff my face with cheese curds or pizza rolls or even eat an entire pizza by myself. But I can’t. I hate this willpower I have. It sucks.
On the bright side, I found a cute little signature tracker (see below). I really don’t know how long I need to lose 10 pounds, but I should keep track of it somehow. And 10 pounds is a good starting point. I hope — dream, really — that once I start losing weight, the pounds will just magically and easily come off without too much worry. Wouldn’t that be a lovely world? So wish me luck, and I’ll keep you posted on the results.